Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Sand Monkeys

Is anyone else getting sick and tired of the whiny, easily offended Muslim community? They say they are a religion of peace. They say they are a religion of tolerance. Yes, coming from a religious sect which regularly puts prices on writers' heads and has followers who embrace terror as a fashion statement--I'll believe them, sure...

Of course they regularly distance themselves from The Terrorists by saying 'We do not believe in terrorism. We are a religion of peace.' That's about as logical as the Bush Monkey saying 'We are fighting terror in (insert any country) because they have WMDs!' You don't support terrorism? Fine, bring us the heads of your religious idiot lapdogs who do. Then we'll believe you.

There was the Danish newspaper's Mohammed cartoon debacle, which under ordinary circumstances in most free countries, would be considered in poor taste at best. Not to the peaceful followers of Islam, nossir. They got their freak on and smashed and bashed and trashed as only rabid monkeys with wild eyes and foam-flecked beards can do.

Then there was the Pope quote, which was 'I guess' an attempt to start the Crusades all over again, cuz WTF was His Eminence thinking when he DARED to speak OUT against the PEACEFUL and sensitive Islamic people and their wacky prophet? He must've subscribed to the Madonna Controversy-as-sales-pitch formula of success.


And there's the car dealership which declared 'Jihad sales incentives' and 'Fatwa Fridays' with free rubber swords for the kids.


Me? I'm all for free rubber swords for the kids. Keeps em off the crack, I say.

What is the purpose of this rant, you may ask? Well, nobody reads the bleedin thing except a few friends and family members. But what I hope is this:

I want a fatwa. A Jihad on my head. Or whichever is grammatically correct, because I would HATE to be wearing a 'fatwa' on my head when a jihad is more sensible, practically, politically and grammatically correct.

I would like to have some genuine death threats by genuine sand monkeys (oh, by the way, I call all religious people 'monkeys' with sincere hopes that I'm not offending actual monkeys. Get a life and a brain, you zealots. 'Sand monkey' only refers to a religious monkey of sandy origins. Not any particular race. I'm a relgion hater, not a bigot, thankyuhverymuch).

What I'll do is this: any sincere, reasonable death threats by distinguished zealots of a sand monkey religion will get a map to my house. No, really. I'm just curious how many of them are out there. If they were to find this blog by some freaky coincidence and actually want me dead, I'll draw them a friggin map.

Why would someone call the wrath of the Sand Monkey upon their heads, you ask? Well, in a world where Popes and car salesmen get on their knees to apologize to a bunch of irrational, stupid followers of an archaic religion--I'll opt out in a heartbeat.

Don't worry. I believe in the Great Space Monkey who put us all here. I don't have any proof, but His divine opposable thumbs definitely plunked us all down here millenia ago. He doesn't mind that I misuse the word 'monkey' to describe the baddies with bombs and attitude. He knows in his Simian wisdom that I am trying to produce a bit of satire in the sandbox.

Not to mention, the Book of Monkey promises that any follower who is cut down by another monkey, whether they be from sand, mountain or snow, gets just a buttload of monkey virgins in the afterjungle. No, REALLY.


Anonymous DC said...

More fun than a barrel of monkeys

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


11:12 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home