Sunday, September 02, 2007

Night Tram Avenger Part Deux

The Night Tram Avenger found his kryptonite one night: his knees. God DAMN my knees. How am I supposed to avenge the night trams with these rickety, slipshod, godforsaken KNEES!!!???

In a country full of drunken creeps who scream, belch, smell, swear and occasionally smack they beotches up---WHAT'S A NINJA GONNA DO?

I had just boarded another night tram after a decent piss up (that's what the Brit majority in Prague calls it; we back home would've called it a HOOTENANY). I was standing and holding the rails for lack of a decent seat for my Elvisian lardy ass. I was staring at a public service announcement about how a decent citizen should help the blind people onto the tram. Even give em their seats. As if a decentgodfearingmoralcivilizedpeople would NEED this. But the Czechs are a bunch of vile, ignorant, selfish FUCKING peasants. YESSSS, PEASANTS. With the manners of a goat on crack. Hence the need for a public service announcement about common sense.

If you are Czech and you somehow can read this (Christ, they're teaching the peasants to READ?), then FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON. YOU SUCK.

So, having read this sign with its colorful illustrations of various blind people lurching about, I was brought back to my previous involuntary smackdown of one of the fine locals. His crime? He dared to smack his blind woman up. Repeatedly. In front of ME.

Well, if you read the previous post, there was one sorry sack of shit who would be wondering if he had spilled a huge bottle of ketchup on his shirt the next day. I don't imagine it was the first time he had his nose broken. Hell, I'll break it again if I ever see the douchebag.

Any WHO, as I was reading the customer service announcement and reminiscing on my previous NTA episode, I heard the screams. I looked to the left and saw a couple yelling at each other. I finished reading the public service announcement. I was waiting for the last frame, the one in which the ONE SOLITARITY SAMARITAN would help out the blind woman.

The domestic quarrel grew worse; she was trying to pull him out of his seat and was trying to get him to leave the tram. He refused and cursed her. She cried and pleaded with him. Then he stood up and hit her in the face.

Without breaking stride, I lurched down the tram and switched into the Night Tram Avenger. There was no costume change. There was only a personality change. I am not like this in real life. I am a large teddy bear, really. But as Mickey Rourke said in 'Sin City', "It really gets my goat when guys rough up dames."

The punk in question was a low life, drug-addled gypsy scumbag. If that appears to be politcally incorrect in any way, then check your reality. It was the truth. I tried to get in between the gypo scuzzbucket and the woman, but the tram lurched and I couldn't land a punch. So I went with plan B: I grabbed the scumbag in a head lock and proceeded to ram his head into the tram window, one, two, three. On the third thump, the woman involved asked me to stop.

At this point the slimy little bugger slipped my grip and ran away. He was shouting some gypo nonsense at me and at her, but I can't speak Czech when I am the NTA. Especially Gypo Czech. So I just told him to SIT THE FUCK DOWN BECAUSE I WILL WATCH HER KICK YOUR ASS AND YOU DON'T GET TO DO SHIT!

As the slime doggie was leaving the tram, I told the lady I was sorry to get involved, but that I hate it when guys rough up dames. She told me in English 'you are gentleman.' As the tram doors were closing on her erstwhile mate, he managed to scream his goodbyes with an umbrella thrown in between the closing doors. It flew between the woman and myself and smacked into the opposite tram window. The person sitting where the umbrella had struck said and did nothing, as is typical for a Czech.

The next day I was nursing my sore knee. How did it happen? I didn't feel anything as I rammed the gypo's head into the glass the previous night. Perhaps when he slipped my grip I twisted my knee. I dunno. I thought about whether the pain of my recurring knee troubles was worth the NTA thing.

Then I thought about it. How often do you get to beat up a real live gypsy in the Czech Republic?

For more global superhero vigilante action:

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Anonymous DC said...

Don't let all these newfound super hero powers get to you. Remember what old uncle Ben told you. "with great power comes great responsibility" It sounds like you are getting into another one of your anti Czech moods; come back to America son, your other uncle misses you.


5:24 AM  
Blogger praguelodyte said...

Czechs are regarded as fairly despicable people because they are, among other things:

1) greedy
2) selfish
3) cowardly
4) passive aggressive
5) chauvinist
6) egotistical
7) stinky
8) dishonest
9) drunk from 7am

Okay, the last one isn't so bad ;)

But I'm even MORE anti America, so what's a nigga gonna do?

1:11 PM  
Anonymous DC said...

Say it isn't so. Come back to the homeland. The federal government has instituted a new policy. All expats who come back get 72 virgins and really nice landscaping for the abode of their choice.

7:03 PM  
Anonymous DC said...

Why aren't more people posting comments? Whats wrong with you people? Read the blog, post; how are we going to have a valid discussion of Craig's super powers if no one posts? Damn you all.

3:20 AM  
Blogger praguelodyte said...

The superhero's life is a lonely one indeed. I am a rock, I am an Iiiiiiii-iiiisland.

-Simon + Garfunkel

Either that or only 4 people read this sack o shit blog.


8:29 PM  
Anonymous DC said...

Tell us about life in the panelaks

6:48 AM  

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