How to Tell if Your Man Will Cheat On You
Don't you love all those 'relationship advice' articles that pop up all over the media? I don't have to read one word of them to know the following:
- They're bullshit
- They're written by women about men, so see above
- The female writer in question is also a dyke. Why else is she getting paid to write?
So, in the interest of 'setting the record straight', from THE MAN's point of view, I offer you the real way to tell if a man will cheat on you ladies:
1) You ain't givin' up the booty.
Yup, that's a surefire way to make a man stray. Slam those doors shut--for any reason--and yer man will stray quicker than you can say 'I have a headache.'
2) You bitch and nag him up one side and down the other.
What man is gonna spend his precious time with a woman who doesn't appreciate all his flaws and piggish behavior? In the world of sheep, a good shepherd will always seek out the ewe which doesn't bleat so bitter.
3) You never feed your man.
He's taken you to dozens of fancy shmancy restaurants, threw dozens of burgers down yer throat, but the best meal you can offer him is microwaved Jenny Craig tofu shit. Pay attention: a man is simple. He only wants 2 things: a full belly and empty balls. Truer words have never been spoken. It was even a woman who pointed this out to me. If you don't believe me, I'll give you her name, number and a google map to her house.
4) Constantly asking your man if he loves you, wants to 'get serious' etc.
You know that a man will never buy a cow when he can get the milk for free. The man is going to milk you as long as he can before he buys. Deal with it. If you keep pressing him about love, marriage, etc., he will leave skid marks out of your bedroom, through your cold, unused kitchen and into the night.
5) You play games to make him jealous and thus prove his undying love to you.
If you think that doing a man's friends is the best way to get his attention, you are right. You'll get his undivided attention in the form of a boot up yer ass. Never mess with a man's food supply or his booty supply. Men are simple, women are complicated. We all know this. Ladies, make yourself even one iota more complex than being the food and booty supply and we will stray like a cat. A tomcat.
I hope that the above points have been taken to heart, gentle readers (all 3 of you). I am a simple man who loves the simple things in life: Beer, pizza, booty. I am also an educated man, one who knows a helluva lot about beer (goal in life: sample every beer in the world. #1 beer accomplishment: Oktoberfest), pizza (Chicago or N.Y. style. Fuck pizza from Europe; ESPECIALLY from Italy), and I'm enrolled in a lifelong course to learn about booty and what makes a woman tick. If its yer damn biological clock, please, ladies, on your way out, don't let the door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha.
Amen.
- They're bullshit
- They're written by women about men, so see above
- The female writer in question is also a dyke. Why else is she getting paid to write?
So, in the interest of 'setting the record straight', from THE MAN's point of view, I offer you the real way to tell if a man will cheat on you ladies:
1) You ain't givin' up the booty.
Yup, that's a surefire way to make a man stray. Slam those doors shut--for any reason--and yer man will stray quicker than you can say 'I have a headache.'
2) You bitch and nag him up one side and down the other.
What man is gonna spend his precious time with a woman who doesn't appreciate all his flaws and piggish behavior? In the world of sheep, a good shepherd will always seek out the ewe which doesn't bleat so bitter.
3) You never feed your man.
He's taken you to dozens of fancy shmancy restaurants, threw dozens of burgers down yer throat, but the best meal you can offer him is microwaved Jenny Craig tofu shit. Pay attention: a man is simple. He only wants 2 things: a full belly and empty balls. Truer words have never been spoken. It was even a woman who pointed this out to me. If you don't believe me, I'll give you her name, number and a google map to her house.
4) Constantly asking your man if he loves you, wants to 'get serious' etc.
You know that a man will never buy a cow when he can get the milk for free. The man is going to milk you as long as he can before he buys. Deal with it. If you keep pressing him about love, marriage, etc., he will leave skid marks out of your bedroom, through your cold, unused kitchen and into the night.
5) You play games to make him jealous and thus prove his undying love to you.
If you think that doing a man's friends is the best way to get his attention, you are right. You'll get his undivided attention in the form of a boot up yer ass. Never mess with a man's food supply or his booty supply. Men are simple, women are complicated. We all know this. Ladies, make yourself even one iota more complex than being the food and booty supply and we will stray like a cat. A tomcat.
I hope that the above points have been taken to heart, gentle readers (all 3 of you). I am a simple man who loves the simple things in life: Beer, pizza, booty. I am also an educated man, one who knows a helluva lot about beer (goal in life: sample every beer in the world. #1 beer accomplishment: Oktoberfest), pizza (Chicago or N.Y. style. Fuck pizza from Europe; ESPECIALLY from Italy), and I'm enrolled in a lifelong course to learn about booty and what makes a woman tick. If its yer damn biological clock, please, ladies, on your way out, don't let the door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha.
Amen.
Labels: chauvinist pride, feminist backlash, satire
posted by praguelodyte at 10:45 AM
6 comments
